Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
You Might Also Like
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.