BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.