People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.