I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
barbara was highly relatable
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”