[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me as a parent
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy