It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
new year update: losing everything but weight
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)