Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
the red hot silly peppers
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.