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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I can fix him.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*