Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”