My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Labreador