Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
They grow up so quick
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
At least he brought enough for everyone
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Okay, I’m still confused…