*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.