Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.