One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The Book. The Movie.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’