I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
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COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.