PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
goldfish mafia
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
That’s incredible! 👌
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
How animals would run if they were human