Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones