I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
You Might Also Like
*serious situation*
My brain:
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.