Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
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Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.