The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Dating:
âNo you hang up!â
âNo you hang up!â
âNo you hang up!â
âNo you hang up!âMarriage:
âNo you shut upâ
âNo you shut upâ
âNo you shut upâ
âNo you shut upâ
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
telling people youâre single:
⢠âyouâll find someoneâ
⢠âhave you tried tinderâsaying âmany have tried to date me and all have failedâ:
⢠mystical
⢠empowering
⢠sword-in-the-stone vibes
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the oneâs meant for girlsâŚ
Will boys ever get pants right!?
That photo youâve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, âkeep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.â
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Twister but itâs just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle