Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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just got my engagement photos
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
sir, my pâté if you please
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”