The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My favorite female superhero
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Fight
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front