Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.