My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”