Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
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If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
is nasa ok
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The Friday File.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.