Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one