[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I think I’m having a stroke
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*