If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I’m aging like a fine banana
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now