me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Battery falling down a hole
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account