Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?