Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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Siri: Retweet me.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.