Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.