Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
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At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
LOL!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.