[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
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Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
incredible book dedication
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Can’t, holding a grudge
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.