my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
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People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Rooting for the overdog
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”