WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO