wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You Might Also Like
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT