Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?