Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The USS B port
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.