*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone