My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.