Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When I snag the last meatball.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.