6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
it’s the silliest best thing
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”