Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
You Might Also Like
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Sing it!
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.