Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.