ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?