If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT