The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen