Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns