How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
O Wise One….